


beyond your wildest dreams (please keep me out of reach)

by maskedskies



Series: Evolved [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi, and also a prose fic, but there will be lots of chatting, i mean they're college students who does the whole face-to-face thing anymore, i'll add more tags as they apply, i'm pantsing this take nothing for granted, jin owns a lot of stores, jung hoseok is also a spork enthusiast, keep looking at the tags they'll grow rapidly, mingyu is a domestic magic, mingyu is magic, pairings may or may not be endgame, rated teen because it's a college chatfic and you're too old to be protected, seungkwan and mingyu are roommates, seungkwan is a strong believer in sporks, side bangtan, side exo, slightly chatfic, warning: this is a chatfic, woozi is aromantic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-02-13 20:39:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12992097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maskedskies/pseuds/maskedskies
Summary: The Evolved are dead. It's common knowledge - the humans who were born with advanced genes were killed before they could do harm to the world, before they could destroy the balance (or what the government told themselves was balance) of society. But as with every story, and in every reality, the government is a bit flawed, a bit dangerous, and full of holes. And as in every story, and every reality, the government is out for blood.orSoonyoung just bought a chicken pot pie, and he wanted to eat it with a spork.





	1. in my good christian household (we use sporks)

**Author's Note:**

> chatname - person
> 
> spork - seungkwan  
> baby bitch - dino (chan)  
> snek - jeonghan  
> woozi - lee jihoon  
> dom - mingyu  
> estic - wonwoo  
> undad - scoups  
> ji.soo - jisoo (joshua)  
> emo - seokmin  
> fake sleep enthusiast - minghao  
> criminal - jun  
> handsoap - hansol (vernon)  
> naEga hosh - hoshi (soonyoung)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consider this a prequel.

**_[wow look at us normal human beings]_ **

**_spork, baby bitch, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh_ **

 

 **spork:** guys

 **spork:** i just got ciheken pot pie and i need a spork

 **spork:** any of you have a spork ?

 **naEga hosh:** cant you get your dormmate to sommon on ?

 **naEga hosh:** *summon *one

 **naEga hosh:** i hate my keyboard

 **snek:** i have a spork

 **snek** : but you're a floor below me so i don't eel like giving ot to you

 **ji.soo:** i have a spork!

 **dom** : i can literally summon a spork for you kwannie whats ur problem

 **spork:** i mean

 **spork:** we have the dorm crew coming down the hallwayu soon bc of a suspicious rat infestation

 **criminal** : i swear i can explain

 **snek:** save it

 **snek:** you bloodsucker

 **criminal:** i can't belie youre still salty abt this

 **criminal:** it was ive years ago

 **criminal:** i bought you a new hamster

 **snek:** no new hamster could ever replace chica

 **spork:** ,,,,,,,well anywys

 **spork:** i dontwnt you getting exposed and killed, mungy

 **spork:** mingyu

 **spork:** you know ur such a clumsy person and iworry smtms

 **spork:** ive known you since our freshman yr of high school

 **dom:** uve been spending too much time with jeonghan

 **snek:** u called?

 **dom** : fucking snake

 **dom:** dont act like youve not been making me get you vanilla ice cream from questionable places

 **dom** : i may be out of mind but im certainly not out of touch

 **snek:** idk what ur talking abt, mingyu

 **snek** : i'm an angel i would never use my powers for my own personal gain

 **woozi:** guys you shits

**_[woozi has removed 'baby bitch' from the chat]_ **

**woozi:** are your hearts made of stone?

 **woozi:** chan's still in the fucking hospital and he's still in this chat

 **woozi** : you really think watching us have fun is going to help him recover ?

 **woozi:** smh

 **emo:** o h  my god i forgot abt chan

 **emo:** hyung is he okay

 **woozi:** no thanks to you guys

 **woozi:** but he should be out within another month

 **snek:** shit woozi i'm sorry

 **snek:** i completely forgot

 **snek:** guys who wants to visit him over the weekend

 **woozi:** you can't

 **woozi:** we're not allowed contact for another two weeks

 **woozi:** y'all can call his therapists though

 **naEga hosh:** im running to my phone

 **undad:** aren't you holding yur phone rn, hosh?

 **naEga hosh:** im dialing the number

 **snek:** tbh the real question is

 **snek:** if you can just levitate shit

 **snek:** why are you running

 **naEga hosh:** sshhh i'm on the phone

 **snek:** well while he's talking

 **snek:** _@spork_ how's your dilemma

 **spork:** oh

 **spork:** jisoo hying brought me a soprk

 **ji.soo** : indeed

 **ji.soo:** also  _@woozi_ i'm sorry abt chan, I completely forgot

 **woozi:** tbh i expected more from you hyung

 **woozi:** but it's ok

 **spork:** guys the rat crew is here

 **spork** : fuck

 **spork:** fuck

 **spork:** fuck

 **snek:** shit

 **woozi:** damn

 **woozi:** but what what's wrong

 **spork:** guys they have voiders

 **spork:** i have voids all over this dorm

 **spork:** i stink of void

 **estic:** don't diss the void like that

 **estic:** it has a nice flowery scent

 **estic:** but still, that's,,,,,, that's bad

 **estic:** wdo we need to move?

 **spork:** im runnig

 **spork:** oh

 **spork:** i guess im not running

 **spork:** i guess

 **spork:** i think

 **spork:** i think i showed up on their tracker

 **spork:** i feel wei

**_[spork has left the chat]_ **

**snek:** fuck that's code red

 **snek:** everyone out

 **undad:** i'm heading to his dorm now

 **undad:**   _@dom_ you okay

 **dom:** i have kwannie

 **dom:** voiders do bad things to humans

 **dom:** and to voids i guess lol

 **dom:** i feel kinda fnny too but i've not passed out xD

 **undad:** i'm here where are you

 **dom:** behind te building

 **undad:** okay i'm coming i've got you mingyu everything's going to be okay

 **criminal** : um,,,,,,, guys

 **criminal:** i just got an anonymous email telling me to leave my dorm

 **criminal:** it's the fbi or smth?

 **undad:** i'm in your bedroom get in i'm hopping you out

 **criminal:** i feel weird

 **ji.soo:** whatever you do, junnie

 **ji.soo:** don't open that email.

 **criminal:** don't open it?

 **ji.soo:** no

 **criminal:** why?

 **ji.soo:** you remember why chan's in the hospital, right?

 **criminal:** oh

 **criminal:** oh shit

* * *

 

_**[chinese sugababs]** _

**criminal:** guys

 **criminal:** i need you to go to the cafe on that one street by the music building

 **chips and crackers:** what

 **chips and crackers:** why

 **criminal:** chan's walker is awake


	2. soap in seoul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one month later, the eleven kiddos have escaped to seoul with the help of jun's evolved contact. they're settled, they're happy, and they're safe...  
> for now.
> 
> or
> 
> handsoap: my name is hansol, spork  
> spork: my name is seungkwan, soap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it's underlined, it's in english

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_spork, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh_ **

**_[woozi has added ' fake sleep enthusiast ' to the chat]_ **

****woozi:****  minghao?

 ** **woozi:****  it's three in the morning, i know you're awake

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  yeah, yeah, i'm here

 ** **woozi:****  thank you so, so much

 ** **woozi:****  you're the reason we're here now

 ** **emo:****  yeah, at this shiny-ass new college

 ** **emo:****  tbh it's beautiful i can't believe you go here

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  yeah, yeah

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  anything for you guys, y'know? anything for junnie

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  he's gotten me out of a few rough spots

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  besides, it's ridiculously easy to write in transfer students

 ** **undad:****  he didn't follow us, right?

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  nah, you guys are safe here

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  believe me

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  kim namjoon built this school

 ** **emo:****  damn, no wonder it's nice

 ** **emo:****  and huge tbh

 ** **dom:****  your department is small stfu

 ** **estic:****  you're just upset bc we have to share a dorm

 ** **dom:****  true, true

 ** **dom:****  but i'm still rooming with kwannie, which rules

 ** **dom:****  all of our roommates are the same

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  y'all hoes pray for me

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  i'm tutoring this kid in math today and i'm nOt prePared

 ** **snek:****  go to sleep, then, minghao

 ** **snek:****  it's late

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  i'm not tired, mom

 ** **snek:**** go to sleep

 ** **emo:****  oh my god tone it down even i felt that

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  this is lay

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  i'm minghao's roommate incase you forgot

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  who powered him down he's rly sensitive to that

 ** **woozi:****  don't use that terminology around chan

 ** **lee chan:****  hyung im fine

 ** **lee chan:****  i went through therapy n everything i don't even get triggered that much anymore

 ** **woozi:****  sry chan,,, but,,,, no

 ** **woozi:****  back me up jeonghan

 ** **snek:****  go to sleep, baby

 ** **snek:****  you have entrance exams today

 ** **lee chan:****  i just moved across the entire country of South Korea

 ** **lee chan:****  i'm on the other side of the country from everything i'm used to

 ** **lee chan:****  i've been here for two days and my first day of school is tomorrow and i'm terrified

 ** **lee chan:****  all of you've been here for a month but i just got here

 ** **lee chan:****  we're all just starting at a new college but at least you've gotten used to seoul

 ** **lee chan:****  i have no idea where i am

 ** **lee chan:****  i'vebeen through therapy but whst if i lose contlr

 ** **naEga hosh:****  i'm coming, chan

 ** **lee chan:****  thank you

 ** **lee chan:****  thank you, hyung

 

* * *

 

 

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  you snake

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  i can't believe you powered me down

 ** **snek:****  i have your best interests at heart

 ** **snek:****  you needed sleep

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  would kim seokjin have done that?

 ** **snek:****  yes

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  true

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  i have to go tutor now bye felicia

 ** **snek:****   did you just

 

* * *

 

 

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  jisoo hyung

 ** **ji.soo:****  yes, child

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  pls come and help me tutor this deadass american kid

 ** **fake sleep enthusiast:****  we're in the library

 ** **ji.soo:**** omw

 

* * *

 

 

**_[handsoap has added ji.soo and one other to the chat]_ **

**_[handsoap has set the chatname to "tutor me pls"]_ **

**handsoap:**  my hyungs are the best wow

 **ji.soo:** i hope you had a good time!

 **handsoap:**  the best, tbh

 **handsoap:** hyungs are so good to me

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** yeah, yeah, shut up kiddo

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  i get extra credit and a good word in with comm. leader so like

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  bring the kiddos it's good college credit

 **ji.soo:**  aren't you already in college tho

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  better grades and a good reputation

 **ji.soo** : so trying to erase that one kid you punched in freshman year?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  fuck you, that was mingyu

 **ji.soo** : and he deserved it ?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** exactly

 **ji.soo:**  i'm sure chan appreciated the extra violence

 **ji.soo** : wasn't one of his first attacks rly close to that?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  yeah

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** on jeonghan, wasnt it?

 **ji.soo:**  yeah

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  man, that,,,,, that sucks

 **ji.soo:**  yeah.

 **handsoap:**  wat.

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  man how new are you?

 **handsoap:**  ngl my first time teleporting was on accident

 **handsoap:** last week

 **handsoap:**  layhyung found me, like,,,,,,, immediately

 **handsoap:**  which was fortunate bc i have no idea wtf was going on

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  yeah his spee and jacksons empathyness super helped

 **ji.soo:**  oh dang you're really new then

 **handsoap:** yeah

 **ji.soo** : okay then!

 **ji.soo** : it's okay to be new, don't be frightened or overwhelmed or feel like you're less

 **ji.soo** : teleportation is a great power to have! my community leader's power is teleportation as well, so you could take lessons from him deending on wha community you end up joining!

 **handsoap:**  can u explain wht communities are?

 **ji.soo:**  sure!

 **handsoap:**  in english?

 **ji.soo:**  ha, yeah, sure

 **ji.soo:** teleportation is a great power to have! my community leader's power is teleportation as well, so you could take lessons from him deending on wha community you end up joining!

 **ji.soo:** **** communities are small groups of evolved people, they usually stay in that community as they multiply

 **ji.soo:**  minghao, do you have a community?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  not rn, actually

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  i think woois been attempting to ask me to join tours for a little while, though

 **ji.soo** : i guess that makes sense.

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  my roommates are part of the campus community

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  idk, im just not into it

 **ji.soo:**   that makes sense!

 **ji.soo:**  we definitely have room for two more members if you guys are up for joinin!

 **handsoap:**  imean

 **handsoap:**  i guess ?

 **handsoap:**  wait but isnt that chan guy who @s people in your comm?

 **ji.soo:**  yeah, let me explain abt that

 **ji.soo:**  chan's evolvedi nto biody manipulation

 **ji.soo:**  he's loads better at controlling it now, but before,,,,,,,,, it's not really my place to say but

 **ji.soo** : he went through a lot and he got triggered a lot

 **ji.soo:**  especilly since jeonghan, the guy he attacks, evolved as mental manipulation

 **ji.soo:**  which super triggered him tbh

 **ji.soo:**  chan powered him down

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  just like jeonghan, the bastard

 **handsoap:**  wait

 **handsoap:**  what does it mean to power someone down ?

 **ji.soo:**  it's rly smth only manipulators can do

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  it's when you override what the body/brain was going to do and shut it down

 **ji.soo:**  yeah, basically that

 **ji.soo:**  for example, if you're dettermined not to go to sleep, jeonghan get get into your brain and shuts it down, making you go to sleep

 **ji.soo:**  with chan, if you're detemined tno to open a bible, he can get into your body programming and make you open it

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  ah, religious!jisoo has appeared

 **handsoap:**  i go to shurch once a month b proud of me dad

 **ji.soo:**  the est son

 **handsoap:**  so oyu want me, a teleporter, to join a community with ppl who can control me physkcallly and mentally ?

 **handsoap:**  as in, make me teleport somewhere asl ike a prank or smth?

 **ji.soo:**  oh,,,, don't bring that up in the gc

 **ji.soo:**  don't give them any ideas

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  besides, you're not actualy a teleporter

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  but youll learn more in jackson's powerpoint

 **handsoap:**  idk if i want to be in yalls comm tbh

 **handsoap:**  just bc i dont know these people

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  ngl ill probs join i've already saved yalls asses three times

 **ji.soo:**  language

 **ji.soo** : but okay

 **ji.soo:**  hansolie, is it okay of i add you into our comm gc so you can meet them?

 **handsoap:**  i mean

 **handsoap:**  okay

s

* * *

 

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_spork, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh, fake sleep enthusiast_ **

**_[ji.soo has added 'handsoap' to the chat]_ **

 

 **handsoap:** for the record

 **handsoap:**  im not a deadass american kid

 **snek:** so then i was like

 **snek:** "yall shits bt mind your own business or else im finna snap your asses"

 **handsoap:** why is this what i walk into

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**  so thisi s the deadass american kid i was telling you guys abt

 **ji.soo:**  he's really new, guys, so be easy on him, okay?

 **ji.soo:**  plls introduce yourselves in a nice, civilised mnner

 **undad:**  hi, im seungcheol, probably your hyung idk

 **undad:**  i'm the eldest here nd the leader of our community!

 **undad:**  wait should i send a pic or

 **snek:**  nah

 **snek:** i think we'll be fine, cheollie

 **snek:** anyways I'm Jeonghan!

 **snek:**  

 **snek:** and wow look at my boyfriends

 **snek:** damn how'd they get there

 **ji.soo:** ohmy gosh

 **ji.soo:** who took that picture?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** i will claim

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** and provide backstory !

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** it was last wednesday and jisoo dragged his boyfriends to bible study

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** they ended up in the lil kid room and i espied them

 **criminal:**  u go 2 church?

 **criminal:** nd im jun btw

 **criminal:**  

 **criminal:** child actor, mad confidence skills

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** he means that he's conceited

 **criminal:** i acted wit kim seokjin once

 **woozi:** wow and this is where i intervene

 **woozi:** i'm lee jihoon, not sending a pic because you guys could be creepy stalkers

**emo:**

**woozi:** sleep with both eyes open tonight emotional scum

 **handsoap:** wait

 **handsoap:** are you the Prodigy

 **handsoap:** hold up Hold Up

 **handsoap:**

**handsoap:** is this you?

 **woozi** : ..................................................yeah

 **woozi:** ? do i know you ?

 **handsoap:** omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

 **ji.soo:** is hansolie okay?

 **handsoap:** hi this is mark tuan

 **handsoap:** im hansolies kindacousin we dorm together since hes new to sk and soeaks crapk orean

 **handsoap:** hes ur biggest fan

 **woozi:** wtf

 **ji.soo:** lnguage but same

 **handsoap:** om ghi im in ur coompos ition class that you help taeach

 **handsoap:** om g i have to find a good picture of me

 **handsoap:**  

 **handsoap:** omg no wr ong one

 **handsoap:** om g i have no worthy pictures

 **snek:** you're adopted

 **handsoap:** omg no you're jeonghan

 **handsoap:** pls dont hurt me

 **snek:** minghao

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** pls don't hurt me

 **snek:** what have you been feeding my child

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** nothing

 **handsoap:** horror stories

 **handsoap:** omg r u going to kill me

 **handsoap:** im too young to die

 **woozi:** don't kill my fan

 **woozi:** but,, again,,, wtf

 **woozi:** are you that kid that showed up fifteen minutes late to class a week ago saying that you lost three different versions of yourself?

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** probably tbh

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** he's a self-projector so it'd make sense

 **handsoap:** you told me that im a teleporter !

 **ji.soo:** it's kind of the same thing!

 **handsoap:** im so confused

 **snek:** im not going to kill you?

 **handsoap:** m not reassured

 **handsoap:** wht if ur manipulating me into believing you

 **undad:** i ask myself that, too, somedays

 **snek:** smh this disrespect guys pls have a little more faith in me

 **ji.soo:** yeah, hannie's a bit sensitive on that so take it easy on the teasing, guys!

 **snek:** thanks, hong, i guess

 **dom:** im mingyu

 **estic:** wonwoo

 **dom:**  

 **estic:** im on the left

 **dom:** im on the right

 **estic:** we're

 **dom:** domestic

 **handsoap:** are you guys dating?

 **estic:** what makes you think that?

 **dom:** lmao yeah tbh

 **estic:** thank seungkwan

 **dom:** but don't, it'll go to his head

 **spork:** i was mentioned?

 **spork:** oh yeah, im the one that got these two sporks together

 **spork:** thank me, worship me, i'm here all week

 **spork:** omg handsoap you're adorable

 **handsoap:** my name is hansol

**spork:**

**spork:** merry christmas! ho ho ho

 **undad:** omg i forgot abt christmas

 **spork:**?????????????????????

 **spork:** how do you forget abt christmas?

 **handsoap:** it's very important how do you forget

 **spork:** see the soap agrees

 **handsoap:** my name is hansol, spork

 **spork:** my name is seungkwan, soap

 **handsoap:** omg

 **woozi:** settle down kids

 **handsoap:** yes dad

 **woozi:** i'm not sure if i like this power or not

 **undad:** kwannie, we just moved across the country.

 **undad:** i'm sorry for not keeping track of a holiday while we're trying to stay alive.

 **emo:** the full stop tho

 **emo:** anyways i'm seokmin!

 **dom:** wait

 **emo:**?

 **dom:** enter, lee "my name is james" dokyeom!

 **estic:**  

 **emo:** omg guys

 **handsoap:** wait are you actually emo?

 **emo:** no its short for emotional

 **naEga hosh:**  

 **naEga hosh:** im on the right! chan's on the left! together! we're! soonchan!

 **woozi:** together they're fucking energetic

 **naEga hosh:** i'm an enthusiast of life!

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** mhm

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** sure

 **fake sleep enthusiast:**   _@handsoap_ well now you know everybody. have fun kids

 **fake sleep enthusiast:** everyone here's your hyung except for chan

 **lee chan:** yup! hi hansolie hyung!

 **handsoap:** omg you're so soft what i'm confused

 **woozi:** this is my son, lee chan

 **woozi:** trigger him and i will break you.

 **lee chan:** it's so cool that you're an astral projector! i wish i had your power!

 **lee chan:** hyung,,,,,,,,,,,, i don't need you to protect me !

 **handsoap:** i mean,,,,,,,,,,,,, im sure there's some benefit to your power!

 **lee chan:** lmao do ou even know what it is?

 **handsoap:** minghao informed me

 **ji.soo:** i narrowed down his story, myungo is wild sometimes

**_[criminal has changed 'fake sleep enthusiast' s name to 'myungo']_ **

**lee chan:** _@handsoap_ i see that jeonghan's already adopted you? disappointed, but not surprised

 **lee chan:** call him eomma n let him pat ur head sometimes, he'll be fine

 **snek:** i raised you on my back and this is how you raise me? smh my own child

 **woozi:** back to the important business

 **woozi:** nobody fucking hurts chan

 **lee chan:** suck my dick hannie

 **snek:** i think that honour's reserved for soonyoung ?

 **naEga hosh:** i mean

 **lee chan:** true tbh

 **handsoap:** wait

 **snek:** wait

 **handsoap:** aare they dating ?

 **snek:** have you two banged?

 **woozi:** what

 **lee chan:** yes

 **soonyoung:** maybe

 **snek:** oh my god

 **snek:** chan you're grounded

 **lee chan:** what

 **handsoap:** i'm so confused

 **lee chan:** you can't ground me!

 **undad:** it's okay, hansolie

 **naEga hosh:** on what grounds?!

 **undad:** i raised these brats and im confused all the time

 **undad:** welcome to the fucking family


	3. the woes of bungo (ah, young love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which hansol struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seungkwan and mingyu are roommates, they share a dorm with wonwoo and seokmin  
> jun and soonyoung are roommates, they share a dorm with seungcheol and jisoo  
> chan and woozi are roommates, they share a dorm with jeonghan and jinyoung  
> minghao rooms with lay, they share a dorm with jackson and an empty bed  
> hansol rooms with chanyeol, they share a dorm with baekhyun and xiumin
> 
> yugyeom, bambam, jaebum, mark, youngjae, sehun, suho, kyungsoo, chen, and kai are at a different campus.

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_spork, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh, myungo, handsoap_ **

 

**handsoap:** gues  _@undad_ found me on campus ?

**handsoap:** im honestly questioning my existence now, like

**handsoap:** how

**undad:** teleportation is magic

**snek:** no it's not you lying fucker

**lee chan:** it's because he teleported to you, hyung!

**lee chan:** i mean,,,,,, probably

**snek:** seungcheol?

**undad:** fuck guys i gotta go

**undad:** not today satan

**ji.soo:** why did seungcheol physically walk out of the dorm?

**ji.soo:** he's in his pajamas

**ji.soo:** he left ramen in the microwave

**snek:** llmao he really left

**spork:** dad's here now

**spork:** literally why's dad here?

**handsoap:** im having a crisis seungcheol just lowkey stalked me

**woozi:** you're judging him for stalking you?

**woozi:** i mean,,,,, it's not that hard to

**handsoap:** what

**woozi:** you have the loudest fucking thoughts in the planet

**handsoap:** what

**handsoap:** wait

**handsoap:** what

**dom:** woozi exolved as a telepath lmao

**woozi:** "wait shit"

**handsoap:** wait shit

**handsoap:** wAIT

**handsoap:** did you just type what i was gonna type nownig i wasnt' going to believe you

**woozi** :that's so fcking cool

**handsoap:** that's so fcking cool

**handsoap:** OMG

**naEga hosh:** im suing f21

**naEga hosh:** offically

**naEga hosh:** officially

**naEga hosh:** fml

**estic:** why ?

**naEga hosh:** every single, married, dating, and complicated pair of pants i've ever gotten from them

**naEga hosh:** ripped

**naEga hosh:** torn

**naEga hosh:** shredded

**snek:** well maybe you shouldn't let chan palm you while wearing them

**lee chan:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**handsoap:** o h  my god

**handsoap:** my eyes, so innocent

**woozi:** ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

**myungo;** the smackdown

**dom:** *palmdown

**naEga hosh:** omg

**naEga hosh:** i

**naEga hosh:** i don't know what to say

**handsoap:** my poor eyes will never beet he same gain

**criminal:** i have holy water

**snek:** you need it tbh

**handsoap:** i need it

**criminal:** i'm down the hall

**handsoap:** i'm runninf

**handsoap:** im here

**handsoap:** wait why does he need holy water  _@snek_

**snek:** he's highkey a vampire

**handsoap:** shit i'm runing

**criminal:** why are you running away

**criminal:** come back, friend

**handsoap:** i'm coming back with garlic

**criminal:** om

**criminal:** i'm not actually a campire

**snek:** tell that to chica, the late hamster

**criminal:** it was five years ago?

**handsoap:** and a cross omg

**ji.soo:** do you have a bible?

**handsoap:** i have the bible app on my phone ?

**ji.soo:** honey that's not strong enough

**handsoap:** omg i'm going back to my dorm for a bible

**handsoap:** the exerise im sweating

**criminal:** the disrespect

**handsoap:** guys he actually has holy water

**undad:** chan n soon went suspiciously silent

**lee chan:** can i stop texting the chat without bein accused of a blowjob please

**snek:** oh no, honey

**snek:** it wasn't a blowjob

**snek:** it was palming soon through f21 leggings and causing them to rip bc of his boner

**handsoap:** jun im coming back

**criminal:** don't forget the bible

 

* * *

 

 

**handsoap:** guys i just realised what the gc name is

**handsoap:** you guys r ot7 bts fans?

**spork:** KIM FUCKING TAEHYUNG

**spork:** A WHOLE CONCEPT?

**dom:** oh gods

**undad:** kwannie highkey has a crush on taehyung

**undad:** tbh his modeling career is stunning

**handsoap:** im an agust d kinda guy

**estic:** FUCKING YES OMG

**estic:** A TO THE G TO THE U TO THE STD

**myungo:** support aids

**estic:** what

 

* * *

 

 

**dom:** maru kate chikyuu

**estic:** oh honey no

**dom:** maru kaite chikyuu

**estic:** maru kaite chikyuu

**handsoap:** boku hetalia ?

**emo:** *mumbles japanese words*

**dom:** FIDEDE

**estic:** *mumbles*

**dom:**  SHI SEKAI

**estic:** *mumbles*

**dom:** KA PAI DA

**estic:** H

**emo:** E

**myungo:** T

**snek:** A

**lee chan:** L

**naEga hosh:** I

**dom:** A

**undad:** !

**woozi:** i really wish i could leave this chat

**snek:** :)

* * *

 

 

_**[handsoap has started a private chat with fake sleep enthusiast]** _

_**[fake sleep enthusiast has changed their name to 'hyungo']** _

__

**hyungo:** what

**handsoap:** im freaking out omg

**hyungo:** what

**hyungo:** wait

**hyungo:** are you in cLASS

**handsoap:** im in composition

**handsoap:** the one woozi helps teach bc he's a fuckin amazing prodigy and wow that's perfection right there

**hyungo:** omg put ur phone away

**hyungo:** he'll catch you

**handsoap:** he's in th bathroom everyons one their phone

**handsoap:** the point is im freaking

**handsoap:** everybody got paired up to do an assignment

**handsoap:** also i figured out that seungcheol is in my class thats how he stalked me two days ago

**handsoap:** but im the odd one out so naturally im with the fuckin teacher assistant

**handsoap:** which just so happens to be fuckin lee jihoon the god of gods

**hyungo:** omg ur screwed arent u

**handsoap:** i am hyungo help me

**hyungo:** omg this is hilarious

**handsoap:** im this close to astral projecting out of tlife

**hyungo:** thats not the way it works bungo

**_[hyungo has changed 'handsoap' s name to bungo]_ **

**bungo:** omg hyung

**bungo:** omg i hear his footsteps down the hall he's cominf

**bungo:** wish my luck

**hyungo:** i wish u death

**bungo:** u really get me

 

* * *

 

 

_**[woozi has started a private chat with handsoap]** _

**woozi:** so, hjust so we're clear

**woozi:** no phones inside of class

**handsoap:** yes dad

**woozi:** and i am fucking telepathic

**woozi:** meaning i know if you're on your phone or not, bungo

**handsoap:** bungo ?

**woozi:** yes.

**woozi:** bungo.

**woozi:** i'll talk to you after class tomorrow to set up meeting times to work on our piece.

**handsoap:** yes dad

**woozi:** i really don't know if i like this power or not

 

* * *

 

 

_**[private chat between 'bungo' and 'hyungo']** _

 

**bungo:** oMf IM FREAKINF OUT

**hyungo:** ah, young love

 

 


	4. pls be festive (#curetheemo2k18)

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_spork, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh, myungo, handsoap_ **

 

 ** **spork:****  fESTIVITY

 ** **spork:****  lISTEN UP HOES nd chan

 ** **handsoap:**** im not a hoe im pure

 ** **undad:****  the purest, i'm sure

 ** **ji.soo:****  let us come together to celebrate the birth of jesus christ

 ** **dom:****  listening

 ** **estic:****  listening (not a hoe tho)

 ** **handsoap:****  im a pure cHURCHGOING CHILD

 ** **woozi:****  mhm

 ** **handsoap:****  is there a way to make you not be in my head?

 ** **snek:****  well technically

 ** **snek:****  when ur astral projected, you can't be accessed

 ** **lee chan:****  handy talent

 ** **handsoap:****  but

 ** **handsoap:****  how do i control my projecting? it just kinda

 ** **handsoap:****  happens

 ** **spork:****  hANSOL VERNON CHO I

 ** **spork:****  we're not here for your evolved drama

 ** **spork:****  it's christmas day, folks, and we don't even have festive cHAT NAMES

 ** **spork:****  y'know in denmark we're a dAY TOO LATE

 ** **dom:****  seungkwan is passionate abt holidays

 ** **spork:****  i actuaoly wan't feeling too festive but

 ** **spork:****  jeon jungkook released a cover of holy night and i am Shooketh

 ** **spork:****  so now we're fESTIVE HOES

 ** **handsoap:****  mnot a hoe

 ** **myungo:****  i mean

 ** **myungo:****  exchanget he o for an e and ou have mnet

 ** **myungo:****  mnet is a hoe

 ** **myungo:****  nd,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, some of the things uve tected me are rather hoeish

 ** **handsoap:****  mnOT A HOE

****[spork has changed their name to santakwan]** **

****santakwan:****  so now that we've established that we're all hoes except for chan

 ** **ji.soo:****  and me me

 ** **dom:****  our lord nd saviour

**[ _emo_ has changed their name to festive gay]**

**[ _undad_ has changed their name to christmas dad]**

**[ _snek_ has changed their name to yule jeonghan]**

**[ _lee chan_ has changed _yule jeonghan_  's name to gingerhan]**

**[ _myungo_ has changed their name to haoliday cheer]**

**[ _lee chan_  has changed _woozi_  's name to wooziclaus]**

**[ _naEga hos_ h has changed their name to christmas star]**

**[ _handsoap_ has changed their name to tinsel]**

**[ _ji_. _soo_ has changed their name to happy birthday jesus]**

**[ _lee chan_ has changed _criminal_  s name to grinch]**

****wooziclaus:****  why?

 ** **lee chan:**** bc you love me!?

 ** **estic:****  woozis always been soft for chan

 ** **wooziclaus:****  not gonna deny

 ** **wooziclaus:****  ive raised him pretty much

 ** **lee chan:****  iz true

 ** **santakwan:****  isnt everyone soft  for chan?

 ** **haoliday cheer:****  nah boo

 ** **haoliday cheer:****   chan's told me some questionableTM things

 ** **myungo:****  i love him but the boy aint innocent

 ** **myungo:****  neithers hansol tbh

 ** **tinsel:****  im a smol pure churchgoing boy ?

 ** **haoliday cheer:****  shall i screenshot?

 ** **tinsel:****  thats not necessary thanks hyungo

 ** **wooziclaus:****  i think the screenshots should be kept hidden away, don't you, bungo?

 ** **haoliday cheer:****  ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,do more people call you bungo than just me?

 ** **tinsel:****  that's why i freaked out aftr cass yesterday hyungo

 ** **haoliday cheer:****  lkmao brb gotta teach hansol how to astral project

* * *

_**[festive memers]** _

_**howard, richard** _

**howard:** how much do you know, richard.

 **richard:** enough.

 **howard:** that's kind of low, y'know

 **howard:** spyin on a deadass american kid

 **richard:** he was using his phone?

 **richard:** in my good christian class? i think not tbh

 **howard:** could've sworn you listen to nicki minaj in that class

 **richard:** maybe i do, hyungo.

 **richard:** y'know, you claim to be the snakiest in our chat, but you seem to forget that i'm here.

 **richard:** i'm watching everything.

 **howard:** didn't you say that there's an easy way to turn it off ?

 **howard:** nd that you only listen to other people's thoughts if you feel like it ?

 **richard:** you're missing the point, howard.

 **howard:** so do you enjoy listening to hansol's thoughts?

 **richard:** do you enjoy junhui's dick?

 **richard:** oh, wait. i forgot.

 **richard:** you've not,,,,,,, experienced it yet.

**howard:**

**howard:** are you

 **howard:** fucking

 **howard:** kiddibg ne

 **richard:** :)

 **richard:** fuck off, howard

 **howard:** must've really struck a nerve for you to go that low, hm, woozi?

 **howard:** what is hansol to you, hm?

 **richard:** i have a paper to write

 **richard:** i don't have time to deal with this.

* * *

 

_**[private chat with woozi and handsoap]** _

 

 **woozi:** we're meeting tomorrow at 6.

 **handsoap:** i know, hyung

 **handsoap:** i remembered ^^

 **woozi:** okay.

 **handsoap:** wouldn't you know that i've remembered, hyung?

 **woozi:** i can't read your thoughts all of the time, hansol.

 **handsoap:** ...are you okay, hyung?

 **woozi:** see you at 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, it's kinda just a filler chap. the next one is a ride. be prepared! the plot is kicking off in the next chapter.


	5. conflicting identities, confusing stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everything is confusing.

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_santakwan, lee chan, gingerhan, wooziclaus, dom, estic, christmas dad, happy birthday jesus, festive gay, criminal, christmas star, haoliday cheer, tinsel_ **

 

 **tinsel:** asdFGHJKL HE 'S COMIF IS EE HIM

 **christmas dad:** what

 **gingerhan:** ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what

 **haoliday cheer:** oh my gOD HANSOL wrong chat idiot

 **tinsel:** shit

 **gingerhan:** hm.

 **gingerhan:** interesting.

 

_**[private chat between 'bungo' and 'hyungo']** _

 

 **bungo** : asdFGHJKL HE 'S COMIF IS EE HIM

 **hyungo:** lasy copypaster

 **hyungo:** but omg dude give me a status what's happening

 **bungo:** wait

 **bungo:** this guy just sat down and introduced himself as lee jihoon ?

 **bungo:** he says that he's his spokesperson bc he couldn't make it today ?

 **hyungo:** lmao

 **hyungo:** run

 

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_santakwan, lee chan, gingerhan, wooziclaus, dom, estic, christmas dad, happy birthday jesus, festive gay, criminal, christmas star, haoliday cheer, tinsel_ **

 

 **tinsel:** guys ?wh ere's woo i ?

 **wooziclaus:** i'm on my way.

 **wooziclaus:** calm down.

 **wooziclaus:** wait wtf? why are you running? what's going on

 **tinsel:** there  was so e guy prete ding to be y ou nd mingha o said to run

 **wooziclaus:** oh.

 **wooziclaus:**  you can stop running, i see you.

 **tinsel:** im o conf used

 **christmas dad:** are you fuckinf kidding me

 **christmas dad:** we just got here like two months ago are we alredy found

 **haoliday cheer:** no

 **haoliday cheer:** that's too lazy. if they were actually tying to be wooz i

 **haoliday cheer:** then theyd actualyl try to look liek mhim

 **wooziclaus:** guys imma hail a cab we're going to you cheol

 **wooziclaus:** this hs hansol btw nd woozi said to tell you that hes hailng the cab not me

 **haoliday cheer:** why can't you text on your phone?

 **wooziclaus:** bc i dont feel like it

 **wooziclaus:** ok getting in the ab we should be there in lie kfive minutes

 **gingerhan:** i'll be waiting for you out front. we're having a meeting in my dorm

 **wooziclaus:** man this is a shit driver

 **wooziclaus:** smh he jist drove PAST the dorms

 **wooziclaus:** ims get him to turn aroudn

 **wooziclaus:** yall this seatblat is fuckinf tight

 **lee chan:** hansol?

 **wooziclaus:** yeah?

 **lee chan:** what dose he look like?

 **wooziclaus:** idk kinda

 **wooziclaus:** rolly brown hair? culy black hair?

 **wooziclaus:** idki ts kinda dark

 **wooziclaus:** i can't set hss keyboard anymore

 **wooziclaus:** ahould i turn up my phone brightness

 **wooziclaus:** ?

 **christmas dad:** no.

 **christmas dad:** astral project out of the cab.

 **wooziclaus:** wat

 **wooziclaus:** wait but im bad at it

 **ji.soo:** do it, hansol.

 **ji.soo:** soonyoung, can you find them?

 **christmas star:** on it and locked bosso

 **haoliday cheer:** wait.

 **haoliday cheer:** why isn't woozi typing from his phone yet?

 **wooziclaus:** e said he had a headcahe and passed out

 **wooziclaus:** should i leave him?

 **ji.soo:** that's what soonyoung's there for.

 **lee chan:** should i go in, hyung?

 **christmas dad:** no

 **gingerhan:** no

 **haoliday cheer:** no

 **gingerhan:** foudn them cheol

 **christmas dad:** get woozi out

 **gingerhan:** i think hansol's dead?

 **gingerhan:** oh nvm he's projected

 **gingerhan:** i can't find him tho?

 **christmas dad:** kwan?

 **santakwan:** oni it

 **christmas star:** the taxi driver's dead ?

 **christmas dad:** what?

 **gingerhan:** idk

 **gingerhan:** the cab was stopped and the driver was dead when i got here

 **gingerhan:** that's how i found them

 **santakwan:** hansol's in a fucking trashcan wtf

 **estic:** wait guys woah go back

 **estic:** i just finished my paper

 **estic:** wtf is going on?

 **christmas dad:** i think someone was trying to kidnap woozi and hansol

 **gingerhan:** mindhao juts got here hell know what's up

 **christmas dad:** i'll teleport you guys out, hannie

 **gingerhan:** thanks boo

 **santakwan:** how do we get hansol back inside his body?

 **gingerhan:** i mean i

 **gingerhan:** i honestly have no idea ?

 **haoliday cheer:** the driver's human

 **haoliday cheer:** but he was definitely bringing them to a different location

 **haoliday cheer:** the address on his google maps is completely different

 **haoliday cheer:** however it happened, he mustve been killed before he could deliver them there

 **gingerhan:** probably when they realised that hansol was gone

 **santakwan:** who tho?

 **haoliday cheer:** walker is too smart to do something this basic, so it's definitely not him

 **haoliday cheer:** but hansol was definitely specifically targeted

 **haoliday cheer:** i wonder if there's something he's been hiding from us

 **wooziclaus:** you would know, minghao, wouldn't you?

 **wooziclaus:** it's woozi again, obviously.

 **wooziclaus:** but wouldn't you know if he was hidng smth? you're closest to him.

 **gingerhan:** anot necessarily.

 **haoliday cheer:** yes necessrily? i wil fite

 **gingerhan:** the person you're closest to

 **gingerhan:** is the person you share the most things with, right?

 **haoliday cheer:** exactly

 **gingerhan:** haven't you ever considered hansols roommates nd dormmates

 **gingerhan:** that may be just as close if not closer?

 **gingerhan:** for instance, they'd probably know how hansol came to korea

 **gingerhan:** but you don't know who his family is

 **gingerhan:** and which parent is korean

 **santakwan:** guys i think i got hansol back into his body

 **estic:** how?

 **santakwan:** by tickling it

 **tinsel:** i hate you sometimes, you spork ass

 **santakwan:** it fucking worked you prick

 **christmas dad:** you guys are getting distracted.

 **christmas dad:** we're having a meeting in fifteen minutes and you're going to show up

 **tinsel:** yes dad

 **christmas dad:** what power is this

 **wooziclaus:** you see it now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you were confused in this chapter, just wait lads. the action is just beginning.


	6. are we even really here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a filler, but more of a bridge to the next plot point that's happening

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_santakwan, lee chan, gingerhan, wooziclaus, dom, estic, christmas dad, happy birthday jesus, emo, criminal, christmas star, haoliday cheer, tinsel_ **

****S**** ** **antakwan:****  aaaaaaaaaaaa

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  wat

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:**** aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  kwan, are you okay? Do you need backup?

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  I jUST GOT A TEXT

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  froM KIM TAEHYUNG

****W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  damn

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:**** shit

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  fUCK

 ** **E**** ** **stic:****  who do you know that’s into modeling, seungkwan?

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  hannie hyung??????????????????????????????? my favourite mother? Who looks lovely today?

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  are you shitting me

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  and don’t forget my favourite christmas decoration !!!!!!!!!!

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  ??????????????????????????????????????????

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  wait

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  wAIT

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  DOES THIS MEAN THAT I’D MEET YOONGI HYUNG

 ** **TINSEL:****  MASTER PRODUCERNIM

 ** **TINSEL:****  GOD

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  mybe you’d even get an autograph ;)

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  wow look at me sprinting

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  I thought you hated coffee?

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  indigo has bagels

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  doesn’t yoongi live off of coffee?

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  my favourite beverage wow

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  yOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU KNOW KIM SEOKJIN

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  THE FIRST OPENLY GAY MARRIED IDOL? ??? ????? ????? DIDN’T YOU THINK

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  “oh wow maybe my favourite dad would like to meet god one day”

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  ffs

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  I met him in the grocery store one day! Y’know, the one he owns

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  f FS

 ** **S**** ** **antakwan:****  he said that I might be a good model and gave me taehyung’s card since I accidentally fangirled abt him

 ** **Haoliday cheer**** ** **:****  santakwan being smooth since 1997

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  my boyfriends are models

 ** **H**** ** **appy birthday jesus:****  no I’m not ?

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas dad:****  make us famous babes xoxo

 ** **L**** ** **ee chan:****  im not good looking, but I’d like to meet hoseok-hyung since he’s an amazing dancer!

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  yoongi is hands down the best thing since sliced bread

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  jun nd hao should both go they’d rock anything related to modeling

**_[i believe in god]_ **

_Woozi, snek_

****S**** ** **nek:****  that amount of bull hasn’t left your mouth since 2007

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  don’t need it now, thanks.

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  “they’d rock anything related to modeling” that is the lamest excuse

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  I can smell matchmaking a mile away do they like each other

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  don’t pull me into your schemes.

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  if hao decides to think things about jun -- occasionally -- it’s none of my business.

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  or yours.

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  I have Information on you, woozi

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  be careful

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  I have more on you.

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  how’s daniel?

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  hao likes jun.

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  insanely.

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  and I don’t approve of getting involved in their business.

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  is he doing well?

 ** **W**** ** **oozi:****  what more do you want from me.

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  nothing

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  just confirmation

 ** **S**** ** **nek:****  :)

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_santakwan, lee chan, gingerhan, wooziclaus, dom, estic, christmas dad, happy birthday jesus, emo, criminal, christmas star, haoliday cheer, tinsel_ **

****G**** ** **ingerhan:****  I second that! They’re both so attractive

 

**_[festive memers]_ **

****howard:****  bs

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  pure bs

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  what happened

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  what did you do

 ** **richard**** ** **:****  nothing? Don’t blame me for jeonghan’s power…

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  jeonghan’s power is nothing? Aren’t you a rock against mental manipulation?

 ** **richard**** ** **:****  I mean…

 ** **richard**** ** **:****  no.

 ** **richard**** ** **:****  not really.

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  okay

 ** **howard**** ** **:****  im starting to genuinely become scared of jeonghan now

**_[fake sleep enthusiast and gingerhan]_ **

****G**** ** **ingerhan:****  believe me, child.

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  this is nothing.

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  can I block you somehow

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  :)

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I don’t

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I can’t

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  so, tell me.

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I’m blocking you

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  aw

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  are you scared of me?

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan;****  those waves are pretty intense.

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  aw, are you with jun?

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  not surprised.

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  tell me everything.

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  no I don’t want to

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  minghao.

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I like him I do I really do

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  ive liked him ever since we were kids he’s gotten me out of so much shit by being so cute what am I doing im scared of my feelings

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I don’t understand how to act around him I shit on love every day when I wake up and then I see his face and I

 ** **F**** ** **ake sleep enthusiast:****  I have so much to give

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  that was okay, dear

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  go to sleep

 

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

**_spork, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, undad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, naEga hosh, myungo, handsoap_ **

****H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  okay, this is lay

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  whomstve the fuck

 ** **H**** ** **appy birthday jesus:****  jeonghan, what did you do

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus;****  stop powering him down. Jeonghan. you can’t do that forever.

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan;****  what can I do?

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  I didn’t even use full power.

 ** **gi**** ** **ngerhan:****  he’s just weak tbh

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  he’ll build up strength soon enough.

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  until then im hecking amused asf

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  *not amused meme*

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  did I tell you guys about that time that jeonghan followed seungcheol home in middle school because he was confused by his brainwaves?

 ** **G**** ** **ingerhan:****  so how’s daniel doing?

 __[wooziclaus has kicked_ _ __gingerhan from the chat]_ _

****W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  there’s more to that story :)

 ** **W**** ** **ooziclaus:****  get ready for a long ride, kids, because it’s jeonghan expose hour :)

 ** **L**** ** **ee chan:****  did I miss something ?

 ** **dom:****  I just heard jeonghan screaming expletives into the void

 ** **E**** ** **stic:****  I remember that, jihoon

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  I saw jihoon

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  I mean

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  I just casually opened the gc after my nightly shower

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  what’s happening?

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  it’s lay

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  oh hey lay

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  what’s happening?

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  a lot, hansol.

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  too much

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  come over hao needs a body

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  i’m ew to this whole power thing I don’t know how real that is

 ** **T**** ** **insel:****  does he need a host? Is he a spirit? Bc im not down for that

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  honestly im not sure how real I am either

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas star:****  omg no it’s the existential calling

 ** **E**** ** **stic:****  I heard existential

 ** **E**** ** **stic:****  I am here

 ** **H**** ** **aoliday cheer:****  are you, though

 ** **C**** ** **hristmas star:****  oh dear

 


	7. h y p e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> criminal: you've killed my spirit.  
> criminal: i'm going to bed now  
> ji.soo: it's 2pm?  
> criminal: goodnight

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

_ santakwan, lee chan, snek, woozi, dom, estic, christmas dad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, christmas star, haoliday cheer, handsoap _

 

**Haoliday cheer:** y’know, I just realised something

**Tinsel:** im all ears hyungo what’s up

**Haoliday cheer:** the iphone x is out

**Haoliday cheer:** so is monsta x lmao

**Christmas dad:** wait did hyungwon come out

**Haoliday cheer:** no har me out okay

**Tinsel:** how far would you like to be hard

**Haoliday cheer:** …anyways

**Haoliday cheer:** why does seungkwan have an iphone 4?

**Santakwan:** don’t discriminate okAY

**Santakwan:** we all regret our life choices sometimes okAY

**Santakwan:** that’s not important

**Santakwan:** tbh the question is “why is seungkwan’s dad giving out iphone 4s” but I digress

**Santakwan:** the REAL question is

**Santakwan:** who’s spying on the lunch at indigo

**Snek:** why would anyone spy on us though?

**Santakwan:** r u joking

**Snek:** yeah I am lmao

**Santakwan:** okay great so who’s spying what’s your blocking I need to know

**Christmas dad:** well im sure as HELL coming

**Ji.soo:** cursing doesn’t make you cool cheollie

**Ji.soo:** also I think im modeling with you ?

**Santakwan:** yes you are you attractive man you

**Christmas dad:** oh wow so im the only parent not modeling

**Criminal:** well someone has to be normal in this family

**Haoliday cheer:** was that a joke

**Criminal:** do I look like im joking

**Christmas star:** i mean

**criminal:** does anyone give a damn abotu this family anymore

**ji.soo:** oOkay guys. listsen Up.

**tinsel:** was that,,,,,,,,,,,,,, punctuation

**haoliday cheer:** im shaking

**ji.soo:** the day of indigo is our official “no-cursing” day. got it?

**ji.soo:** not a single swear.

**ji.soo:** believe me. i’ll know if you swear.

**woozi:** yeah,i’m in cahoots with him.

**woozi:** i owe him, like, $20 anyways. so

**snek:** why do you owe him that money, jihoon?

**woozi:** that’s currently unimportant.

**snek:** hm.

**snek:** so what’s everyone doing today?

**woozi:** the studio.

**snek:** watch me call bs on that

**tinsel:** i’m hanging out with kwan today! he’s going to help me with my song ^^

**christmas dad:** when’d you two get so close?

**santakwan:** what do you mean? lol

**christmas star:** love is in the air

**tinsel:** you know,,,,,,,,,,,, not all of us are gay, soonyoung

**snek:** wait

**haoliday cheer:** wait

**criminal:** wait

**dom:** yeah i’m actually bisexual

**estic:** actually, the concept of labels is almost as stifling as the homophobia that threatens our civilisation.

**woozi:** as proven by several studies

**estic:** this is proven by several studies

**woozi:** dammit i was a bit off

**tinsel:** i am Confusion

**tinsel:** does everyone here have powers?

**santakwan:** nope!

**santakwan:** im a normal voided human

**tinsel:** whats that tho

**santakwan:** a voided human is a human whose mind has been expanded by a voider so that they can be in the prescence of one without dying instantly.

**tinsel:** wait whats a Void

**tinsel:** and do normal humans die around voids

**tinsel:** *screams into the void*

**dom:** i’m actually in the void rn and i can’t hear you?

**dom:** scream louder

**haoliday cheer:** okay maybe don’t? he’s actually screaming now

**snek:** are you with hansol now?

**haoliday cheer:** gotta hype my mans

**haoliday cheer:** his songs gonna be fantastic

**haoliday cheer:** everyone hype hansol

**tinsel:** no don’t im fine

**woozi:** are you doubting your song, hansol?

**tinsel:** no dad

**tinsel:** i just. idk

**tinsel:** i feel like

**tinsel:** it’s not

**tinsel:** good?

**haoliday cheer:** h y p e

**lee chan:** BABE

**snek:** …

**snek:** babe?????????????

**lee chan:** bab e

**tinsel:** ????????????

**lee chan:** i sit behind you in composition class

**lee chan:** also minghao talks abotu you a lot

**haoliday cheer:** that didn’t need to be sharde but okay

**_[snek changed ‘haoliday cheer’ s name to sharde]_ **

**sharde:** ffs

**lee chan:** dude you’re aMAZING

**lee chan:** tbh if anybody needs to work on composition it’s me

**lee chan:** i just. i came here to work on rap lyrics? but it’s honestly so hard and i feel like im failing

**woozi:** step aside bitch

**woozi:** first of fucking all: if that bitch-ass bastard of a professor is failing one of my top students i will make him physically unable to have another child.

**woozi:** second of all

**woozi:** do all of the small ones need hyping now? because i can make that h a p p e n

**woozi:** look i don’t give a damn about you guys

**woozi:** but you’re my fucking son, chan.

**woozi:** and if one more atom of self-hatred leaves your body i will cleanse it in pure affection and love if your ass needs it

**snek:** so are we ignoring babe or

**woozi:** now. hansol

**woozi:** you beautiful little shit

**tinsel:** what

**woozi:** don’t “what” me

**woozi:** you’re a fucking genius.

**tinsel:** ???

**woozi:** don’t question mark me

**woozi:** i’ve been keeping this secret for too long and you know it.

**woozi:** don’t run from the fact that you could probably multiply 456 x 1230 in a few seconds.

**woozi:** or maybe not idk

**woozi:** but.

**woozi:** you are a literal fucking genius.

**woozi:** got it?

**woozi:** and i get that you’ve been hurt and used and broken

**snek:** did someone hurt hansol

**woozi:** and i can keep quiet for a little while

**woozi:** but you’re the literal. fucking. sun.

**woozi:** does anyone else have shit to say about themselves?

**sharde:** ...

**woozi:** minghao, you’re wonderful.

**woozi:** i hate you but i need you in my life

**woozi:** you’ve gotten me farther than nearly anyone else has.

**woozi:** and i owe you so much.

**sharde:** i didn’t evem

**sharde:** wow thanks margaret

**woozi:** hold up

**woozi:** hold the fuck up

**woozi:** step the fUCK up seokmin

**emo:** ?

**woozi:** you quiet little ass

**woozi:** you’ve not even been reading these

**woozi:** you’re bEAUTIFUL

**woozi:** wONDERFUL

**woozi:** real talent.

**woozi:** what’s his name.

**emo:** i

**emo:** what?

**woozi:** what’s?

**woozi:** his?

**woozi:** name?

**emo:** seungmin.

**emo:** lee seungmin...

**woozi:** cancelled

**christmas star:** blocked.

**sharde:** reported.

**snek:** killed

**woozi:** jeonghan you weren’t part of the cancelled-blocked-reported line

**snek:** it has a new addition.

**snek:** perhaps we could add daniel as well?

**criminal:** ok it’s time we addressed this

**estic:** yeah

**estic:** if you bump into someone you’re going to meet later, are you actually meeting them now and creating an alternate universe and messing up both timelines or are you seeing into the future?

**criminal:** ...i was just going to ask who daniel was

**criminal:** but you’ve killed my spirit.

**criminal:** i’m going to bed now

**ji.soo:** it’s 2pm?

**criminal:** goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't get comfortable, friends. i have the next three chapters written, and it goes all downhill from there


	8. whoop whoop indigo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consider this chapter a prequel.

**_[dasi run run run]_ **

_santakwan, lee chan, gingerhan, wooziclaus, dom, estic, christmas dad, ji.soo, emo, criminal, christmas star, christmas star, sharde_

 

 **christmas dad:** guys it is indigo time

 **christmas dad:** y’all ready to Become One with the smash

 **woozi:** oh my god, cheol. Sure, why not?

 **woozi:** who all is going, anyways?

 **sharde:** jun nd i are going

 **criminal:** im going with minghao

 **snek:** well then

 **snek:** obviously, my favourite boyfriend is going

 **christmas dad:** what

 **snek:** you’re coming to spy on us aren’t you i can refer to you as one sometimes

 **ji.soo:** jeonghan…

 **ji.soo:** that’s a slippery slope, you know.

 **snek:** my favourite boyfriends* are coming

 **ji.soo:** better.

 **santakwan:** hansol’s coming too, right?

 **santakwan:** i can’t @ him…

 **sharde:** he says that his groupchat isn’t working, sorry

 **sharde:** he’ll be there, though!

 **santakwan:** ok, i’ll come pick him up

 **santakwan:** okay wow im shaking okay

 **santakwan:** guys we meet in half an hour should we be early is that professional

 **snek:** isn’t it more professional to be fashionably late?

 **ji.soo:** it’s not the 1960’s anymore, jeonghan

 **ji.soo:** nor is it a korean drama

 **snek:** but in fight my way

 **snek:** goddamn you beat me to it

 **ji.soo:** language

 **santakwan:** so who’s spying?

 **snek:** cheollie, woozi, seokmi?

 **emo:** did you just volunteer me

 **snek:** and wonwoo!

 **estic:** i did not agree?

 **snek:** mingyu can’t come because he’s too tall

 **dom:** um, mingyu can’t come because he fucking works at indigo

 **ji.soo:** language???

 **dom:** wonwoo’s a;lready here im ony lunch brekafdfbruwebfa

 **snek:** wtf?

 **estic:** update: mingyu just threw his phone

 **christmas dad:** why?

 **estic:** taehyung just walked in the door

 **santakwan:** SHIT IM RUNNING

 **ji.soo:** omg

 **snek:** LIVE TWEETS I NEED LIVE TWEETS WHERE’D MINGYU’S PHONE

 **estic:** taehyung just picked it up

 **estic:** he seems like a pretty handsome guy!

 **santakwan:** wHY THE FUCK KIS WONOW OSO CHILL

 **ji.soo:** i give up

 **estic:** because i’m not a diehard fanboy? lol

 **dom:** AZDFCVAHFOVEALUHDCBS

 **estic:** mingyu’s batter fell out

 **estic:** oh i meant his battery

 **estic:** why am i running this coffee machine for him

 **estic:** i don’t know how to run coffee machines

 **woozi:** how are you a functional human being?

 **estic:** idk mingyu always does it for me

 **snek:** young love

 **snek:** why aren’t we like that, cheollie?

 **christmas dad:** look

 **christmas dad:** im old

 **christmas dad:** i try my best

 **christmas dad:** im huddled behind a menu with wozi for you

 **woozi:** wozi

 **christmas dad:** fu ck fuck fuck fuck

 **woozi:** w o z i

 **christmas dad:** oh my god jeonghannie save me

 **santakwan:** who’s moaning in the back of the cafe

 **snek:** omg it’s cheollie

 **christmas dad:** omg help me

 **woozi:** w  o  z  i

 **dom:** rip

 

-

 

 **santakwan:** SUGA’S HERE

 **santakwan:** BREAKING NEWS: SUGA JUST WALKED THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR

 **lee chan:** but did he close it

 **christmas star:** i chimed in

 **dom:** not the time my husband just entered

 **snek:** wonwoo????

 **estic:** nah jungkook

 **dom:** he looks so beautiful today

 **dom:** he looks so beautiful everyday

 **estic:** i’m used to it

 **estic:** he strokes jungkook’s picture every morning before he eaves for his first class

 **snek:** okay im hERE

 **snek:** oh my god i should put my phone down

 **snek:** someone bETTER BE LIVE TWEETING

 **christmas star:** im on it hyung

 **snek:** my favourite child

 **woozi:** excuse

 **snek:** *my second favourite child

 **snek:** sry chan

 **christmas star:** jeonghan just sat down

 **christmas star:** where’s hansol?

 **sharde:** less worrying and more tweeting

 **christmas star:** okay they’re talking

 **christmas star:** jungkook says that jun would be really good for the m/v!

 **christmas star:** huh

 **christmas star:** hat m/v is this for?

 **dom:** do you not breathe bts?

 **dom:** pied piper obviously

 **christmas star:** oh my god i would *die* to choreograph pied piper

 **christmas star:** but even more best of me could you imagine

 **christmas star:** but my ultimate choreography!

 **christmas star:** exo’s sweet lies

 **christmas star:** also known as: my life

 **sharde:** less fanboying more tweeting!!!

 **sharde:** if you’re obedient i’ll introduce you to lay

 **christmas star:** r3uayyvbfwidsjvhrpiwRDNJWNHVGUFwvN

 **emo:** update: soonyoung dropped his phone in his coffee so i’m live tweeting now

 **christmas star:** iiit’s onllll y slihglty damaggged

 **christmas star:** anyyyrtghing for layyyyyyy hyungggggggggg

 **sharde:** you don’t nede to.

 **sharde:** just. fix your phone

 **christmas star:** buut layyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **sharde:** i’ll introduce him o you just. just take it easy

 **criminal:** aw, is minghao becoming soft?

 **snek:** children! it is unprofessional to be on your phones during a meeting with btS!

 **sharde:** and you are currently?

 **emo:** when jisoo is the only one invested in his modeling career

 

-

 

 **emo:** well that was wild

 **sharde:** did you record mingyu fainting

 **emo:** you bet i did

 **christmas star:** iii ddddiiiiddddd toooooooooooooo

 **emo:** that’s. that’s great soonyoung

 **dom:** oh my god i’m going to be a model

 **dom:** jungkook

 **dom:** jungkook looked at me

 **dom:** and he smi le d

 **dom:** mom he said i was good looking

 **snek:** i know, sweetie

 **dom:** im going to be in the best music video of all time with the best boy group

 **christmas star:** excuse

 **emo:** excuse him, pls

 **emo:** he just fainted again

 

-

 

 **ji.soo:** really, though, where was hansol? [message unsent]

 **ji.soo:** guys? [message unsent]

**[account suspended]**

**ji.soo:** wtf? [message unsent]

**[account terminated]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoseok's mixtape has me on the f l o o r


End file.
